Inspired by Controversies of Marriage: The Controversies Behind Confronting Marital Hypocrisy by DrK.

“Watch out for the yeast of the Pharisees and that of Herod.” (Mark 8:15)
When Jesus warned His disciples about yeast, He wasn’t talking about bread. He was talking about hypocrisy, the quiet kind that works its way through a whole loaf before anyone notices. DrK reminds us that hypocrisy is the behaviour of people who do the very things they tell others not to do.
In marriage, this yeast has a name: marital hypocrisy.

Two Faces, Two Places

Marital hypocrisy is showing two different characters depending on where you are. It is the person who preaches against unfaithfulness and is later caught begging forgiveness for betraying their spouse. It is the one who blesses your marriage on Saturday and walks out on their own on Monday.

It is often less dramatic than that, and more common. Some people are:
Christian to the whole world, but not to their spouse.
Able to counsel others for decades, but unable to apply the same wisdom at home.
Quick to forgive colleagues at work, but slow to forgive the one they promised to love.
Many don’t even realise they are doing it. The patience, grace and skill they offer outside the home somehow run dry at their own front door. That is why this conversation matters.

A Rough Ride Home

DrK shares a story from a marriage counsellor that is both humorous and humbling. After preaching a powerful message on Being filled with the Holy Spirit, this counsellor packed up and headed to the car with his wife. A small disagreement broke out between them. He was tired and had nothing left to give, so instead of explaining himself, he did what many of us do: he escaped. He started the car, pressed the accelerator, took the corners sharply, and drove home as fast as he could to avoid the conversation.
As he finally braked in the yard, his wife asked quietly:
“Was this rough ride of yours a proper display of ‘being filled with the Holy Spirit,’ huh?”
He knew immediately that he was guilty. What he did next is what most of us struggle to do. Though exhausted, he genuinely apologised. He had the wisdom to be the mature one, because he remembered that the message he had just preached was the very message he was called to live.
The pulpit is the easy part. The car ride home is where the sermon is tested.

The Smudge and the Sneer

Here is the controversy: it is remarkably easy to spot a smudge on your spouse’s face while being completely unaware of the sneer on your own.
Can you honestly say, “Let me wash your face for you,” when your own face is twisted with contempt? It is the holier-than-thou spirit that spoils everything. Before offering a washcloth, wipe the sneer off your own face first. Only then are you fit to help someone else.
Jesus said it plainly:
“Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.” (Matthew 6:1)
God is not impressed by the faith we perform for an audience. He is looking at the faith we live at home.

The Way Out Is Self-Awareness

Hypocrisy loses its grip when we become honest with ourselves. When you know you have a habit of texting while driving, you will think twice before shouting at your spouse for doing the same. Knowing our own weaknesses makes us gentler with the weaknesses of others.
DrK’s counsel is simple and sobering: don’t pick on your spouse’s shortcomings, jump on their failures, and criticise their faults unless you want the same treatment.

A Few Questions to Sit With

Is the person I am at church, at work, or online the same person my spouse lives with?
Which grace do I freely give to others but withhold from my spouse?
When did I last apologise, truly and without excuses, because I realised I had failed to live what I believe?

A Prayer

Lord, search our hearts. Remove the yeast of hypocrisy from our marriages. Help us to be as gracious at home as we are in public, to see our own faults before we point out our spouse’s, and to live out the very things we speak. Give us the humility to say “I was wrong,” and the courage to change. Let our homes be the first place where Your love is seen. In Jesus’ name, Amen.